Not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

I was talking with a friend of mine and shared that this time of the year, there is a constant lump in my throat & chest that just remains there for a few weeks leading up to and after my Tori's "Heaven anniversary."  This year will be 4 years since that "memorable" day.  I just wonder if the lump will ever not return one year, and I won't feel a degree of somberness?  I think of and talk about her now, and it's not difficult to do so.  I acknowledge and remember her life, and want other people to be able to, too.  I have pictures of her around my house, and she is a known, obvious part of our family.  That is all healing, but doesn't erase this small time of the year for me.  Oh, how I wish it did!!!!!

I have peace and security that because of my faith in Jesus Christ, I will see Victoria Leigh again one day.  I will know who she is, and although she won't be my child that I will take care of in Heaven like I would have on earth, I will know she has been there, has not been suffering, and has been free from pain and affliction.  She endured physical pain for a few, short months on this earth, but never had to go through all the heartaches and trials my other two will.  That is comforting in a way, but as a parent, if you are one, would you ultimately rather have your child here to comfort and love during those difficult times, or would you rather never have had the opportunity?  That is the dilemma I am faced with battling at this time of the year especially.

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that God had a plan through Tori's life.  He knew at conception that she would be born at 28 weeks, although I had thought it would be closer to 40.  He knew that she would be 1 pound 9 ounces when she was born, although I thought it might be about 7 pounds, closer to her sister's weights.  He knew that she would get sick and stay in the hospital for 6 months, although I had hoped to bring her home from the hospital after TWO days of having a full term baby, and be on the way to celebrating her first birthday at six months....NOT picking out a tiny casket, pink, baby roses, a white dress, songs to be sung at her funeral, buying a cemetery plot for her and us beside her, explaining to her 2 year old sister that her baby sister is in Heaven, buying a black dress for her funeral, and then saying goodbye to her and burying her.  WOW, you might say...are all those details neccessary?!  Why yes, yes, they are.  I will NEVER forget (just like the 9/11 victims' families) that time and all we did, went through, experienced, and felt.  Her memory will never fade from my mind and heart.  As her mother that God allowed to carry her for 7 months, I will never forget her. 

You may say, because I've heard it a THOUSAND+ times from SOOOO many people, "I don't know how you did that; I could never do it."  Well, I wasn't really prepared for it, let me just tell you.  No one asked me was I willing and able to sacrifice my child whom I loved so much, and never having an earthly relationship with her.  I didn't mark "ACCEPT" on any application.  I woke up one Sunday morning sick as a dog, after not feeling my best for a week or two, and couldn't stop throwing up.  I knew I was dehydrated and needed to go to the hospital for fluids.  So we dropped Savannah off at church with my parents, and went on to the hospital.  They thought the blood pressure machine was broken when it revealed that my blood pressure was off the charts at almost stroke level, and quickly brought in another machine, another nurse, and soon after a doctor.  They all at once told me I had preeclampsia, even HELLP syndrome, and would not be leaving the hospital until I had this baby.  Umm, I am 27 weeks...I can't have this baby now?!  We just found out it is a GIRL a few short weeks ago, and just got done with her room 2 weeks ago!  I will never, ever, ever, ever forget as long as I live looking over at Josh who was sitting in a chair beside my bed and thinking this is not happening.  Not to us.  So, friends, it is at THAT moment that I "had to do it."  What other choice did I have?!  None, unfortunately. 

The weeks and months to follow, were a roller coaster ride of emotions to say the least.  We had good, positive days; we had bad, horrible days.  We were by her side as much as physically possible, day in and day out.  We would talk to her, hold her, sing to her, change her diaper, bathe her, take her temperature, change her clothes and bedding, put pretty bows in her hair, talk to doctors and nurses on her behalf, I pumped breastmilk for 4 months for her....just sooooo much that I never, ever would have imagined.  Only in the end, to lose her.  To see life slip from her, into eternity, and hold her while she was taking her last breath.  Friends, that was NOT done through my own strength.  That was endured because of a supernatural strength only from my faith and hope in Jesus Christ.  He held me, loved me, and listened to me when it was hard, so hard.  He listened to my grief and sadness about it, and He listened to Josh's anger about it.  He would share it with you, too, so I'm not sharing anything we wouldn't with you face to face.  I was SO incredibly grief stricken, that I remember not wanting to go on some days.  Josh was so incredibly angry because he felt helpless as a father and husband, and couldn't do anything to change it all.  The pain was SO great, that I understood with everything in me what God felt when He saw them beat His one and only Son, hang Him on a cross, and watched Him breathe His last breath, just as I had.  That love for your child is so great, until I cannot comprehend a parent being willing and able to sacrifice their child's life for so many unthankful, unworthy, horrible, wretched sinners....just like ME.  If that doesn't make you feel an URGENT need to have Christ in your everyday life, I don't know what will. 

I share all this as "therapy" for me, yes, because I enjoy putting my thoughts on "paper."  But I also share it to bring honor and glory to my Lord, Jesus Christ.  HE brought me from that dark, gloomy time and changed my selfish heart from what it was before Tori; gave me the opportunity to share Christ & heaven in a real, initmate, up close and personal way with my then 2 year old when otherwise I wouldn't have been able to; restored my marriage from failing and what seemed like doom, giving me a best friend & lover in Josh like I'd never had before; gave me another precious, baby girl that has been the light of my life for the past year; and I'm sure those are just the beginning of what He will do through her life.  THOSE things make this time of the year more bearable.  I'm not going to lie, and say I haven't or don't sit down and cry sometimes and wonder for a split second 'WHY?'  I see all I've had with Scarlet over the past 14 months, and think of what all I missed with Tori.  I see babies that are born as early as she was, and yet they thrive and grow, beat the odds, and I think she could have done that, too! 

It's tough, I can't say it's not.  Losing a child is like nothing I've ever experienced.  I've lost friendships I cherished; experienced discord within my church family; endured my parent's divorce; almost had a divorce of my own; moved around throughout my life, leaving friends behind; changed & started new schools; given birth (!!!); and other various "trials."  Losing my baby girl tops them all.  What does James say about trials, though?  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  I want all of these things I mentioned, even losing Tori, to produce perseverance, so that I may be mature and complete, lacking NOTHING!  You can only understand that being worth it if you have the power of Christ through the Holy Spirit within you.  Because why is that important enough to me to endure these trials?  Because it goes on to say in verse 12, "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  THAT'S WHY.  He suffered and bled so that I may live.  He pardoned my sin so that I could go free.  What a Savior!!!  THAT definitely makes this time of the year a whole lot easier to endure. 

I LOVE Christmas, and think of the song, "the most wonderful time of the year" when I think about it.  That is why I call this time of the year, "NOT the most wonderful time of the year."  But I hope you've seen through all the detail I shared, for this reason alone, that Christ and my relationship with Him makes it bearable through the "NON most wonderful time of the year."  I strongly urge you to know Him so that He can make the difficulties of this life bearable for you, too.  And not just bearable, but you can be VICTORIOUS...for we are more than just conquerers with Christ (Rom. 8)!  And not just KNOW Him, but love, trust, and walk daily with Him.  You can't say you're good friends with and expect someone to be there for you at the drop of a hat in the difficult times that you haven't talked to in 20 years, so how you can expect Christ to be there and help you out when you haven't talked with Him daily for awhile, or much less don't even know Him?  No judging, only acceptance, so email me if you want loving guidance on how to have this in your life.  You don't have to clean up or be good enough before coming to Him.  He wants you just the way you are.  It would take away from His glory if you had to straighten up before knowing Him.  He can and will take care of you on the inside all on His own!  :)  By the way, nothing would honor Tori's life more than someone coming to Christ because of it.  It would also make this momma happy and add another praise to my book! :)  If you do know and have a daily relationship with Him, love Him, thank Him for your husband, children, and many blessings....then go kiss and hug them all real tight!!!!!! :)