A Snowy Saturday Morning

A tribute to my baby girl...March 8, 2008...one of the most significant dates that will forever be etched in my mind, with vivid details that I am sure I will relive many times when I think of this day.  Much like you may remember where you were and what you were doing on 9/11, and how the rest of that day felt for you.  When something tragic happens in our lives, and especially with a death of a child, you just don't forget all the many details more times than not.  That is how it is for me on this day.  I'd like to share with you her memory, our memory of her, on that day. 

I didn't sleep well the night before, and to make a long story short, Tori had been transferred to a larger room where Josh and I could sleep, because the doctors felt she was terminal, and so we planned to stay with her every second until she passed away instead of going back to the Ronald McDonald house.  We had hoped on having a few days with her before that time.  We had called family and told them to come.  They were on their way, and had planned to spend the weekend with her and us.  No one made it their in time, though, before she passed away.

I woke up about 5am and went over to her bed, sat there with her, and she was on so much medication because she had gotten very sick, that she wasn't responding to us as much those last few days.  I fully believe God woke me early and gave me this morning with her as her mother.  As I sat there, she opened her eyes, BRIGHT.  The nurse came in, and said I should get in the bed and lay with her while she was awake.  I had done that before, but am so glad I did this last, final time.  I laid there looking into her eyes, talking to her, rubbing her face & hand, and treasuring this moment.  I've heard that before someone dies, often times while in the care of hospice, they will do this...become real alert and wake up, and then suddenly pass away not long after.  I woke Josh to come look at her after awhile, and am so glad we had this final time with her.  She then closed her eyes, and fell back into a deep sleep.  What a precious time with her I will never, ever forget!!! 

It was an hour or so later, that her heart rate begin to drop quickly.  I panicked, and my heart raced, feeling like it was going to explode, while hers was quickly coming to a stop.  The nurses and doctor came in, placed her in my arms, and I rocked her as she passed away.  I saw her oxygen saturations and heart rate go to zero on the screen at 6:55 a.m.  It all happened so fast.  We held her, cried, rocked her, and cried some more.  It was just Josh and I there in the early morning, and I look back now and think how fitting.

She had never been outside, except for a brief moment when being transferred from Huntsville to Nashville in an ambulance.  So I wanted to go outside with her.  It had began SNOWING pretty heavily that morning.  I wrapped her up tight in a blanket and we went out on the roof exit with her, not far from her room.  I stood there as the snowflakes fell down on my face, and just took it all in.  It was very beautiful.  I felt like these snowflakes were a little gift from God, a symbol that she was at peace now.  I am so glad I had this special moment with her.

Our families and a few close friends came.  We all spent the day in her room with her, everyone holding her as long as we all wanted, taking in this last and precious day with her.  She was disconnected from all the wires and tubes for the first time in awhile.  We had been holding her before now, but had so much more freedom to do so now, and I felt like I was holding a baby normally for the first time with her.  I would look at her and think, "she's just sleeping."  Unfortunately, she was not.

We bathed her, dressed her in her white dress that she was buried in, and took molds of her hands and feet, which we treasure so much.  You can see the little wrinkles in her skin in the molds.  You can see the details of her fingernails.  Her little toes are just like if I were looking at them in person.  We took LOTS of pictures, and I am so glad we did, because we have them to remember this day with.  There is a group, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, that will come and take pictures of your baby and you and your family after they pass away.  We didn't use them, but I had seen some of their pictures before, and we did some similar to that, like mine and Josh's wedding rings on her toes.  I love that picture.  After all of that, we said our goodbyes.  Even though she was not alive, it was the hardest thing ever to hand over my baby girl for them to take her away, knowing that was the last time at the hospital with her. 

We packed up her room that weekend; she had A LOT of blankets, clothes, hairbows, stuffed animals, cards, etc that she had acquired over almost 6 months.  She was sick, but she wasn't a "vegetable."  I think some people have thought that's what she was, but she was perfectly normal when she was born.  When she cried, she sounded like a little cat.  She was breathing on her own not long after she was born, at less than 2 pounds.  Her lungs were good, although premature.  She had NO brain bleeds when she was born, which is common for preemies that small.  We had such hope in the beginning with this prognosis.  I pumped breastmilk for 4 months, trying to get her tolerate it.  We tried several different formulas, but she just never could tolerate the food.  Her bowels never obstructed, which is also very common for preemies, but they were just so premature that they couldn't function like they were supposed to.  The "artificial food" they had her on is not good for your liver for that long of a time.  Her autopsy and several genetic tests revealed no abnormalities in that manner.  It confirmed that she had been a healthy baby otherwise than her prematurity and the problems it led to.  The cirroshis of her liver (because of the food) and infections were what caused her to deteriorate and pass away.  I used to question WHY in this aspect, because I know SO many babies now after our journey in the NICU who were as small as she was, or smaller, and yet thrived and grew.  "Why couldn't Tori have done that if she was otherwise healthy," was always my question.  I will never understand the WHY, until I reach heaven that is.  Until then, I will rest in the peace of knowing that my Redeemer lives, and because of that, I will see her again one day.  He came and brought hope for the hopeless because of this, and we all can be thankful for that each day.  I give Him all the glory for Tori's life, and what all He showed me during that time, and how He worked after her death as well.  While it was the most painful thing I've endured, it was the most memorable thing I have ever experienced as well, and in a good way.

We have said how fitting Victoria was for her name, for we have true VICTORY in Christ.  If not, we would have no hope after her death, and I don't know how people make it through something like this without Him.  We went through a dark valley afterwards, but He stayed with us, restoring our hearts and lives to an even better state than they were before her life.  I'd like to share some pictures of Tori, and what we've done on her "heaven anniversaries" until now.  Today I will hold and kiss my two precious girls, remember Tori, and be thankful for what all He's given me in the 3 of them.  I am one blessed momma!!!

A father's love...

A mother's love...

A sister's love... (melts my heart; she was only 2 and yet understood more than I thought she would and remembers all this to this day!!!)



Our last picture together as a family of these four...

This is a link to an online folder of some of Tori's pictures: 

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10581568707.28854.504728707&type=3&l=bc28162476

We have since collected preemie clothes & blankets for the HH NICU in memory of Tori, all with a note sharing her story.  We also had a "books for babies" drive and collected books for children in the hospital and got to deliver them personally and share a little about our baby girl with a note inside.  We donated some of the books to Tori's pediatrician in Huntsville with a sticker inside in memory of Tori.  So we have been able to give back and share the love of Christ through her life, all with the help of family & friends that knew her and were touched by her life while she was on earth!!! That is awesome!!!

Here are a few pictures of her grave in Huntsville.  I used to sit on the bench pictured and stay for quite awhile.  It's beautiful and so peaceful there!!!

(These were the dresses we wore to Tori's funeral just one year earlier!)

If you made it to the end, thank you for sharing in her life with me today!!! :) 

Electric Hedge Trimmers

I have been in somewhat of "a funk" (that's the best way I can describe it) off and on lately, and this week being the 4th anniversary of Tori's death is probably a large factor.  It's not constant, but when I get in that mindset, Satan really tries to run with it and bring me down!!  "Submit yourselves then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you," (James 4:7) is what Josh and I have discussed several times lately!!  After all, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)  Trying to focus my thoughts on HIM instead of my circumstances!!!  That can be difficult to do, but IS possible.  "With men this is impossible, but all things are possible with God." (Matt. 19:26)

We found out today that we may have to pay a few thousand dollars out of pocket for a new roof for our house in Huntsville, that we currently have a lease to purchase contract on.  We are supposed to close on it no later than January 2013, and I can't wait for that day to get here!!! Being free of this house will be such a relief.  God knows that.  And us having to pay to put a new roof on a house we will never live in again is not news to Him!!!  That is comforting, because otherwise I could stay real frustrated!  He's got this, I know that.  He cares for the sparrows, and so much more than that for ME (Matt. 6:26).  Oh, how he loves me!! 

We are trying to be good stewards, pay off things, & live within our means...& hope to take the girls to Disneyworld after all that, something Savannah has been begging for since she was 3 years old.  Our plan was to take them spring break of 2013, after we used the equity in our house to pay off things, and then be able to do this for them.  It is frustrating to have a roadbump get in your way, though.  It's even more frustrating when you're trying so hard, and yet feel like you just can't get ahead..."if it's not one thing, it's another," my flesh says.  It would be SO very easy to wallow in this, think poor, pitiful me, & be discouraged.  However, I know "God is my refuge and strength, a VERY present help in trouble." (Ps. 46:1)  I recently read something along these lines...We don't take advantage of all the power we as Christians have through knowing Him!!!  We would live transformed, radical lives if we allowed that power to change us and how we view/handle things!!!  I am MORE than a conquerer (Rom 8:37) and want to live like one!!!

I did, however, take out my frustration with our electric hedge trimmers this afternoon, and have a feeling that I am going to be really sore because of it tomorrow.  I was SO incredibly frustrated, thinking and talking to God, and thinking some more.  I just needed to do something productive.  I got home and it was a beautiful afternoon, until I just HAD to be outside for a little while.  So, yep, I went to town on the hedges on the side of our house!  It was quite therapeutic, let me tell you! :)  I've always heard people say that gardening has that affect on you.  Well, I don't know about that, but I DO know that taking care of business with some heavy duty hedge trimmers on bushes that haven't been trimmed most all winter, was the best de-stresser I've had in a long time! :) 

I analyze things a lot (something Josh has learned to love me through-ha!), and so I thought about how God has to sometimes use "electric, heavy duty, hedge trimmers" on my heart & attitude sometimes.  I speak before I think sometimes.  I act before I think, too.  I can be self centered, not considering others (or even God) first.  He has to remind me of these things sometimes, and (lovingly) corrects me when I'm stubborn and just can't get it right.  My, at the patience He has!!  I am so thankful that He is always several steps ahead of me & I don't have to rely on myself to make it through this life; actually He's already walked the whole way, but just stays with me, holding my hand, waiting patiently on me, while picking me up as I stumble and fall.  He is truly all knowing and all powerful! 

I don't think I will think the same of electric hedge trimmers anymore.  :)  I know that this obstacle with our house is just another "fire testing faith method!"  He recently provided in our car situation, causing us not to have to pay anything out of pocket, and I know He will provide for this (AND all of our other needs), too.  Do you have that hope & assurance?  I sure hope so.  It is life changing!!