Seven years ago today, I experienced one of the most
heartbreaking things we as women can feel.
It was a memory I will never forget with my second pregnancy. I was only a week shy of being in the “safe
zone,” as I’ve heard it called, or actually, in my second trimester. Josh and I were ecstatic to be having another
baby. After all, this was only a couple
of months before I got pregnant again with Tori. We really did want a baby at that time in our
lives, for Savannah to have a sibling closer in age. She turned 2 that year, so they would have
been less than 3 years apart. Again,
what I had always wanted as a mother!
But…God had other plans.
I have shared the details of this day before with some of
you, but there’s something about the “anniversary” of a miscarriage or death
that makes all of the memories and feelings resurface, as if it just happened
yesterday. And it’s okay. God has healed my heart and taken away my
pain. He has replaced my mourning with
gladness. He has put real, true joy in
my heart, despite the babies I miss that I know stand with Him today. Next month, Friday, February 21 was my
projected due date from the baby I lost last summer. I yearn for that baby, even though it was
forming in my tubes VS my uterus. It’s
all the same. Loss and infertility are
something you can never fully “get over,” you just have to hand it over to the
One who knows best. Because after all,
God had other, better plans.
The miscarriage 7 years ago today was by far the worst. I still remember the reality I felt that my
baby was dead. It was a person, with a
beating heart, just a few days before.
But that morning I woke up lightly cramping, and just knew something was
wrong. By the time I was driving to work
that morning, I couldn’t hardly breathe because the intensity of the cramps had
picked up. My doctor’s office wasn’t
open yet, so I had planned to call them as soon as I got to my desk at work and
ask to come in. I will never forget, I was
walking up the stairs at work, hadn’t made it to my desk yet, when my water
literally broke. We weren’t far from the
hospital, so my dear friend helped me in her car and rushed me there. I am shocked that I didn’t ruin her car. We’re all adults, and know what happens in
childbirth, so I’m just going to say it:
I have never seen so much blood.
I just couldn’t stop bleeding; I have never seen anything like it in my
life!
My Doctor’s office was attached to the hospital, so I called
them on the way, letting them know I was headed to the hospital. They wanted to see me in the office first
instead of the ER. That should have been
my first clue. I should have bypassed
them and went straight to the hospital.
They did rush me into an exam room and my doctor came in. She just patted my hand and said words I will
never forget, “this was nature’s way of taking care of a pregnancy that just
wasn’t meant to be.” Being in so much pain,
all I could was cry as a response. If I
could go back now, I would like to share differently with her. That actually, this was God’s plan for mine
and this baby’s life, and that He had numbered this baby’s days before they
ever began outside the womb. He had me
in His hands, as well as this baby. It
was NOT a fetus, but a baby that had already formed SO much at only 11.5
weeks!
They sent me over to the hospital for a D&C, where I
awaited my doctor to finish her office appointments. (Graphic content again, sorry, but it’s
important to my story or else I wouldn’t share.) I continued to bleed such large amounts, that
the nursing staff was rushing around, a little panicked they told my family
later, and it was a honestly a blur for me. If it wouldn’t have been for a caring
anesthesiologist that was concerned more about a patient than his agenda or
schedule like my doctor was, it could have been a different outcome. He had come in to see me before the
procedure, quickly seeing how urgent things had become. He had a nurse call over and tell my doctor
that she needed to come now, to which she had told her assistant, she would be
over in an hour or so when she was done with her office appointments. The anesthesiologist then got on the phone
himself and spoke directly with my doctor, alerting her to come NOW. I am SO thankful for his care and concern,
and the willingness he showed to TRULY care for a patient in need. I did recover fully, although I did lose a
lot of blood and had to receive more. It
was a scary time for sure.
I share the details of that day, to paint the picture to you
of how BAD and heartbreaking it was, only because it is SO AWESOME to think
back on where I’ve been, and yet where God has been faithful to bring me! Does that mean nothing else bad will
happen? Absolutely not! Jesus says we WILL have trials in this life! As a matter of fact, this happened in January
2007, and Tori was born at 28 weeks that same year, in September. One might start to feel a lot like Job after
the couple of years we had, when we lost her a few months later in March
2008. I did wonder WHY at times. I did struggle at times. But God is sovereign, and as I’ve already
said, God had other, MUCH better plans for us.
I have to trust that. He says in
His word that He works ALL things (even death and miscarriage) together for our
good and His glory.
If you are or have experienced this type of loss, not having
healed from it yet, I encourage you to reach out to someone walking with the
Lord who HAS walked this very difficult road.
Seek counsel if you haven’t already.
I know many women comfortable sharing their pain with others so that
they can comfort and better understand what they are going through. Several women reached out to me after I
miscarried. I am so thankful for
them. And while an earthly comforter is
great, knowing the Ultimate Comforter and Prince of Peace is what will get you
through this feeling of despair, pain, and uncertainty of the future. I can assure you of that! I plead with you to know Him today, before it’s
too late. I’ve heard a quote that says “you’ve
either just come out of a trial, you’re in the midst a trial, or you’re going
to be going into a trial.” That is so
true! We are NOT promised smooth sailing
in this temporary home of ours, but we ARE promised the best guide you could
ever ask for!!! I think of it this way,
if your child is terminally ill, don’t you want the best care possible for
them?! You are going to be their best
advocate, trying to find the best physician possible. Well, we are “terminally ill” in the fact
that our life is not promised tomorrow, our days are fading quicker than we
realize. Don’t you want the best guide
and hope you can find to help you through this life?! If so, CHOOSE CHRIST today!!
If you or a loved one haven’t experienced this kind of pain
and loss, and you can’t fully understand what I’m talking about here, I am so
glad for you. Honestly! It is very rare that I don’t know someone who
hasn’t experienced a miscarriage, infant loss, infertility, etc. I find that it is all too common when you
start talking to people. You can bear
other’s burdens through compassion and sincere concern. I don’t mean, “I’m sorry you’re going through
that,” and then move along in your life.
Compassion, and “gospel fueled neighbor love” as my pastor put it last
week, is messy at times, but living out the gospel and being concerned for
others (instead of yourself) and bearing their burdens with them is SO
important! After all, loving others is
the second greatest commandment. Loving
them where they’re at. In the middle of
something you may not want or know how to approach. Praying for and with them regularly is the
best thing you can do.
One last thought I will leave with you…have you ever heard
this saying, “God can take your mess and turn it into your message.” That’s what I feel He has done with my
miscarriage, Tori’s death, problems in my marriage as we grieved, and my tubal
pregnancy. All of that was my “mess” in
my life, and yet my message is: “Jesus
rescues!” He "rescues" you from all of that
pain and heartache, turning your mourning into gladness. Quite possibly, over and over. After all, remember what I said about being
in, leaving, or going into a trial throughout your lifetime. So hopefully I have “convinced” you of why
you need Jesus. One last analogy J …do you ever go on a
trip unprepared? If you’re like me, you
OVER pack! So why “leave home” without
Him?! A relationship with Him is what
you need to be prepared in this life. You
NEED Him to make it through all this life throws at us! Hopefully, you don’t think I am just sounding
cliché, but am instead very sincere, I assure you. I wish you much joy, comfort, and peace as
you walk with Him. Blessings, friends.
