Savannah got very interested in this presidential race towards the end. She went with me to vote yesterday, and in our homeschooling, I had explained to her how presidential election works. Of course she wanted to be on the same side as her parents, and really wanted Mitt Romney to win. She laid on the couch with me last night as the electoral votes began to come in. She wanted to stay up and see who would become the next president, but I told her it would be very late and that she could find out in the morning. She agreed, and we read our devotion and prayed. I told her no matter who won the race, we know God and He is bigger than any president.
When she woke up this morning, she came in the den and said she wanted to see who won the race! I told her to come sit down, because I already knew. She lit up with excitement. I told her that I had good and bad news. I told her that the bad news was that our choice didn't win, but that's okay. The excitement quickly left her face. I told her the good news is that God is still on His throne, and very much still in control. I Shared with her that as I watched the huge group of people last night celebrating the win, that I thought we should pray for the ones who don't know God, and not stop there, but share Jesus with them. He is our hope, and we want Him to be their hope, too. She was much more happy with that answer, and I am glad that although she learned things about a presidential election this year, she saw that we don't put our faith in any man, but in God alone. I pray that she continues to desire God and His Word above earthly things or people in years to come!! :)
"Let not your heart be troubled, believe in God, and believe also in me." John 14:1
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Word of God, Speak; Pour Down Like Rain
Many times, we as believers, pray for God to speak & show Himself to us. Guess what?! He HAS already spoken everything we need to know...through His Word. He gave us His word for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, and for instruction in righteousness (2 Tim. 3:16). I am SO thankful for that, and still stand amazed at when I hear God speak (not audibly) so clearly through His Word! I'll give you an example.
Tonight, I had THE sweetest devotion and prayer time with Savannah. She is really learning & growing, and it blesses me SO much to hear the things she takes away from our time in the Word. Tonight, we read about the crucifixion in our Jesus Storybook Bible (which if you don't have it, I highly recommend it...it's written by Sally Llyod-Jones, and is unlike any Children's Bible that I've ever read. A lady recommended it to me last year, and it was one of the best things I've ever bought for my girls!). I want to share with you an excerpt from the middle of our story tonight:
"They nailed Jesus to the cross. "Father, forgive them," He gasped. "They don't understand what they're doing." "You say you've come to rescue us," the people shouted, "but you can't even rescue yourself!" But they were wrong. Jesus could have rescued Himself. A legion of angels would have flown to His side--if He'd have called. ......Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, He could have just said a word and made it all stop. Like when he healed that little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5,000 people. But Jesus stayed. You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there. It was love. "Papa?" Jesus said, frantically searching the sky. "Papa? Where are you? Don't leave me!" And for the first time--and the last--when he spoke, nothing happened. Just a horrible, endless silence. God didn't answer. He turned away from His Boy. Tears rolled down Jesus' face. The face of the One who would wipe away every tear from every eye. Even though it was midday, a dreadful darkness covered the face of the world. The sun could not shine. The earth trembled and quaked. ...........The full force of God's fierce anger at sin was coming down. On His own Son. Instead of His people (you and me). It was the only way God could destroy sin, and not destroy his children whose hearts were filled with sin (US). Then Jesus shouted out in a loud voice, "It is finished!" And it was. He had done it. Jesus had rescued the whole world. "Father!" Jesus cried, "I give you my whole life." And with a great sigh, He let Himself die."
After reading this and talking more about the crucifixion, we said, "But we know the REST of the story!" What a joyful thing the REST is...that he defeated death & arose from the grave to become a victor over sin! However, my heart was still very much on the thought of Calvary at that moment. We always refer to "Jesus dying on the cross for us," but what does that really mean to us? Have we let that thought in itself become lightly taken in our hearts and minds for hearing it so many times? Have we lost the thrill of what Jesus did for us personally? I thought about that, and how I never again in my life want it to become so familiar that I take it for granted like I used to (!!). So I posed this to Savannah: "What if Scarlet was older and she did something REALLY bad, like going to get a VERY BAD spanking for it, grounded for a month, no TV, etc... What if YOU, being her sister that loves her SO much, came to me and said, "Mommy, I don't want Scarlet to get the bad spanking, I'll take it for her. I won't watch any TV or do anything fun for a month. I said, "YOU would take her place, Savannah. She wouldn't have to get that really bad spanking because YOU took it for her. YOU took ALL her punishment for her. I would have to punish SOMEONE for the really bad thing she did, so you would take her place. Then think about after that. Don't you think Scarlet would really love you and want to show you her love for you? Don't you think that she would really be thanking you & telling you how much she loved you everyday?? Well, that's what Jesus did for US!! To save us from eternal seperation from God and going to hell, Jesus took the punishment for OUR sins and got much worse than a spanking or being grounded!! He loved us so much that He took our place for OUR punishment that WE deserved. We shouldn't do what's right or wrong just to follow any rules, but out of our love for Him. Even people that don't believe in God try to do good things. We should be serving & following Him instead of ourselves because of what He did for us!" I wish you could have seen the look on her face. It was like the lightbulb truly clicked on in her mind at that moment. When she considered her own pain from that punishment, she understood a little more about the punishment that Jesus took for her.
I share all this for a reason. I feel like someone needed to hear it, even broken down so simply, that a child can understand. God forgive us for losing sight of what He WILLINGLY did for us at Calvary. It brings tears to my eyes to think about friends & loved ones & people I don't even know who take this so lightly, and don't want to live their life for Him because of what He did for us. I followed up by telling Savannah that yes, God rescued us by doing that, but each person still has to CHOOSE HIM for themselves. I was on a path for much of my life that I knew all this, and used Scripture as the doctrine for what I believed, but I sure didn't use it for reproof or correction, nor instruction in righteousness, because my actions spoke much louder than my words. God doesn't want lip service from us. He wants ALL or nothing. Look at what He gave!! He turned His back on His Son at that moment for YOU!! It's NOT just a STORY, like I told Savannah, but really happened. And one day He's going to come back for us, and it will be too late for you to start taking the God of the Bible seriously. Please, I beg you, die to yourself today, and make Him Lord of your life, and not just Savior. Small is the gate and NARROW is the way that leads to life, and only a FEW find it. I think for much of my life I wasn't a part of the few. I believed in God, and loved Him, but still wanted to do life MY way. I didn't want to surrender all. I didn't want to die to self. It was TOO much to give up. We don't have to get cleaned up to come to God, He is STILL cleaning ME up everyday!!
After our story, we prayed as we always do. I can't explain to you the feeling of that sweet prayer time. I was moved to tears, and just couldn't speak for the gratitude in my heart for what He did for me!! Savannah asked me afterwards, "Mommy, why couldn't you talk?" I just told her that I could just imagine us being right at the throne of God, praying and talking to Him, and how awesome that was. That the God of the universe that created EVERYTHING was available at that moment and time to listen to she and I. And all because of what His Son did for us!! I told Josh THAT is when I can feel and hear God speak. We ask Him to, and He already has, through His word. When we're faithful to seek Him, we find Him. To those who don't believe, I get it. This sounds like foolishness. Scripture says that clearly. It was real, and it was true, and when I called Josh to share with Him our time tonight, He says that's so weird because He was just reading Romans 5 & 6 tonight, which just about summed it all up for me & made my cup overflow for the day!! I hope you'll read some of it below...
Tonight, I had THE sweetest devotion and prayer time with Savannah. She is really learning & growing, and it blesses me SO much to hear the things she takes away from our time in the Word. Tonight, we read about the crucifixion in our Jesus Storybook Bible (which if you don't have it, I highly recommend it...it's written by Sally Llyod-Jones, and is unlike any Children's Bible that I've ever read. A lady recommended it to me last year, and it was one of the best things I've ever bought for my girls!). I want to share with you an excerpt from the middle of our story tonight:
"They nailed Jesus to the cross. "Father, forgive them," He gasped. "They don't understand what they're doing." "You say you've come to rescue us," the people shouted, "but you can't even rescue yourself!" But they were wrong. Jesus could have rescued Himself. A legion of angels would have flown to His side--if He'd have called. ......Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, He could have just said a word and made it all stop. Like when he healed that little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5,000 people. But Jesus stayed. You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there. It was love. "Papa?" Jesus said, frantically searching the sky. "Papa? Where are you? Don't leave me!" And for the first time--and the last--when he spoke, nothing happened. Just a horrible, endless silence. God didn't answer. He turned away from His Boy. Tears rolled down Jesus' face. The face of the One who would wipe away every tear from every eye. Even though it was midday, a dreadful darkness covered the face of the world. The sun could not shine. The earth trembled and quaked. ...........The full force of God's fierce anger at sin was coming down. On His own Son. Instead of His people (you and me). It was the only way God could destroy sin, and not destroy his children whose hearts were filled with sin (US). Then Jesus shouted out in a loud voice, "It is finished!" And it was. He had done it. Jesus had rescued the whole world. "Father!" Jesus cried, "I give you my whole life." And with a great sigh, He let Himself die."
After reading this and talking more about the crucifixion, we said, "But we know the REST of the story!" What a joyful thing the REST is...that he defeated death & arose from the grave to become a victor over sin! However, my heart was still very much on the thought of Calvary at that moment. We always refer to "Jesus dying on the cross for us," but what does that really mean to us? Have we let that thought in itself become lightly taken in our hearts and minds for hearing it so many times? Have we lost the thrill of what Jesus did for us personally? I thought about that, and how I never again in my life want it to become so familiar that I take it for granted like I used to (!!). So I posed this to Savannah: "What if Scarlet was older and she did something REALLY bad, like going to get a VERY BAD spanking for it, grounded for a month, no TV, etc... What if YOU, being her sister that loves her SO much, came to me and said, "Mommy, I don't want Scarlet to get the bad spanking, I'll take it for her. I won't watch any TV or do anything fun for a month. I said, "YOU would take her place, Savannah. She wouldn't have to get that really bad spanking because YOU took it for her. YOU took ALL her punishment for her. I would have to punish SOMEONE for the really bad thing she did, so you would take her place. Then think about after that. Don't you think Scarlet would really love you and want to show you her love for you? Don't you think that she would really be thanking you & telling you how much she loved you everyday?? Well, that's what Jesus did for US!! To save us from eternal seperation from God and going to hell, Jesus took the punishment for OUR sins and got much worse than a spanking or being grounded!! He loved us so much that He took our place for OUR punishment that WE deserved. We shouldn't do what's right or wrong just to follow any rules, but out of our love for Him. Even people that don't believe in God try to do good things. We should be serving & following Him instead of ourselves because of what He did for us!" I wish you could have seen the look on her face. It was like the lightbulb truly clicked on in her mind at that moment. When she considered her own pain from that punishment, she understood a little more about the punishment that Jesus took for her.
I share all this for a reason. I feel like someone needed to hear it, even broken down so simply, that a child can understand. God forgive us for losing sight of what He WILLINGLY did for us at Calvary. It brings tears to my eyes to think about friends & loved ones & people I don't even know who take this so lightly, and don't want to live their life for Him because of what He did for us. I followed up by telling Savannah that yes, God rescued us by doing that, but each person still has to CHOOSE HIM for themselves. I was on a path for much of my life that I knew all this, and used Scripture as the doctrine for what I believed, but I sure didn't use it for reproof or correction, nor instruction in righteousness, because my actions spoke much louder than my words. God doesn't want lip service from us. He wants ALL or nothing. Look at what He gave!! He turned His back on His Son at that moment for YOU!! It's NOT just a STORY, like I told Savannah, but really happened. And one day He's going to come back for us, and it will be too late for you to start taking the God of the Bible seriously. Please, I beg you, die to yourself today, and make Him Lord of your life, and not just Savior. Small is the gate and NARROW is the way that leads to life, and only a FEW find it. I think for much of my life I wasn't a part of the few. I believed in God, and loved Him, but still wanted to do life MY way. I didn't want to surrender all. I didn't want to die to self. It was TOO much to give up. We don't have to get cleaned up to come to God, He is STILL cleaning ME up everyday!!
After our story, we prayed as we always do. I can't explain to you the feeling of that sweet prayer time. I was moved to tears, and just couldn't speak for the gratitude in my heart for what He did for me!! Savannah asked me afterwards, "Mommy, why couldn't you talk?" I just told her that I could just imagine us being right at the throne of God, praying and talking to Him, and how awesome that was. That the God of the universe that created EVERYTHING was available at that moment and time to listen to she and I. And all because of what His Son did for us!! I told Josh THAT is when I can feel and hear God speak. We ask Him to, and He already has, through His word. When we're faithful to seek Him, we find Him. To those who don't believe, I get it. This sounds like foolishness. Scripture says that clearly. It was real, and it was true, and when I called Josh to share with Him our time tonight, He says that's so weird because He was just reading Romans 5 & 6 tonight, which just about summed it all up for me & made my cup overflow for the day!! I hope you'll read some of it below...
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Heart for the Needy
Today begins a new chapter in our lives. Josh and I have been praying about something for the past several months, and finally decided to step out in faith as we seek to fulfill God's commandments for our lives as believers.
In James 1:27 it says, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." We unfortunately can't afford the thousands of dollars required to adopt, but we CAN help "orphans" in another way. The Lord brought a lady from our local Alabama Baptist Children's Home into my life, and as Josh and I began to talk about it, we realized that while children are there, they are techinically orphans. They didn't ask to be put in this situation, and don't have a parent or other family member who can look after them at this point. The ABCH requires that their foster families be Christians, and involved in a local church. They want their families to plant the seeds of Christ into these little ones lives. That is exactly what we want to do.
After gathering more information, we realized most all of their needs financially are basically taken care of. They will be on Medicaid, so all of their medical expenses will be taken care of. They are on WIC, so all of their formula, milk, baby food, etc will be taken care of. There is a clothes closet at the ABCH that churches have donated to for these children in need. The ABCH gives an allotment each month to families to care for any other needs they may have, so nothing comes out of pocket from us. All that is required by us is to love, take care of, and nurture these children in need. They only give you a child that is younger than your oldest one. So ours would be Scarlet's age or younger.
Once we found all this out, we couldn't say no. It will be a joy to teach a child who might otherwise have not heard about Jesus, my Savior. If Scarlet can already learn Bible stories & songs, learn to pray, etc, then I can teach another child that, too. How thankful I am that Christ might be able to use me in this way. I am so humbled. I will give Him all the glory and praise, for I am just so thankful that He has brought our family to this position, and given us the ability to do so.
So this afternoon we will begin our first of ten classes to prepare us for foster care through the ABCH. We didn't want to go through the government system, so God answered my prayer on bringing this lady into my life. We will end classes on November 25th, and could receive a child as soon as the next day. She said they are in dire need for foster families, that she has had to turn referrals away. So by Christmas we will more than likely have a baby to add to our family! Savannah wants a little brother! :) We shall see!
I am just so thankful that God has changed my view on having the perfect American dream & family, that we have the biggest & best of everything by a certain age, that we have all our children, that are only OUR children, and certainly not one of another ethniticity, because we have to have the cookie cutter mold of an American family. Unfortunately, that was subconsciously the way I basically thought at one time. Josh and I both want to do things radically now, though, for that is what Christ calls us to do as believers, die to ourselves and fulfill the things He has said we should do as followers of Him...which, let's face it, are not in alignment with what we've created that our lives should be like in America today. That doesn't mean foster care for everyone, but it does say that genuine religion in the sight of God is to care for orphans & widows in some way, and that means everyone that truly follows Christ. Just something to think about. Josh and I have been drastically convicted on if we view God as who He really is, or if we just made Him out to be someone we pray to as we need Him, and read a 5 minute devotion every other day or so. God calls us to be and do so much more. We certainly don't have it all together, but I pray that God continues to teach me, change me, and mold me into what He wants me to be...just as He did with foster care. :) Thanks SO much for your love, support, and prayers...we would appreciate it during this process!
In James 1:27 it says, "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." We unfortunately can't afford the thousands of dollars required to adopt, but we CAN help "orphans" in another way. The Lord brought a lady from our local Alabama Baptist Children's Home into my life, and as Josh and I began to talk about it, we realized that while children are there, they are techinically orphans. They didn't ask to be put in this situation, and don't have a parent or other family member who can look after them at this point. The ABCH requires that their foster families be Christians, and involved in a local church. They want their families to plant the seeds of Christ into these little ones lives. That is exactly what we want to do.
After gathering more information, we realized most all of their needs financially are basically taken care of. They will be on Medicaid, so all of their medical expenses will be taken care of. They are on WIC, so all of their formula, milk, baby food, etc will be taken care of. There is a clothes closet at the ABCH that churches have donated to for these children in need. The ABCH gives an allotment each month to families to care for any other needs they may have, so nothing comes out of pocket from us. All that is required by us is to love, take care of, and nurture these children in need. They only give you a child that is younger than your oldest one. So ours would be Scarlet's age or younger.
Once we found all this out, we couldn't say no. It will be a joy to teach a child who might otherwise have not heard about Jesus, my Savior. If Scarlet can already learn Bible stories & songs, learn to pray, etc, then I can teach another child that, too. How thankful I am that Christ might be able to use me in this way. I am so humbled. I will give Him all the glory and praise, for I am just so thankful that He has brought our family to this position, and given us the ability to do so.
So this afternoon we will begin our first of ten classes to prepare us for foster care through the ABCH. We didn't want to go through the government system, so God answered my prayer on bringing this lady into my life. We will end classes on November 25th, and could receive a child as soon as the next day. She said they are in dire need for foster families, that she has had to turn referrals away. So by Christmas we will more than likely have a baby to add to our family! Savannah wants a little brother! :) We shall see!
I am just so thankful that God has changed my view on having the perfect American dream & family, that we have the biggest & best of everything by a certain age, that we have all our children, that are only OUR children, and certainly not one of another ethniticity, because we have to have the cookie cutter mold of an American family. Unfortunately, that was subconsciously the way I basically thought at one time. Josh and I both want to do things radically now, though, for that is what Christ calls us to do as believers, die to ourselves and fulfill the things He has said we should do as followers of Him...which, let's face it, are not in alignment with what we've created that our lives should be like in America today. That doesn't mean foster care for everyone, but it does say that genuine religion in the sight of God is to care for orphans & widows in some way, and that means everyone that truly follows Christ. Just something to think about. Josh and I have been drastically convicted on if we view God as who He really is, or if we just made Him out to be someone we pray to as we need Him, and read a 5 minute devotion every other day or so. God calls us to be and do so much more. We certainly don't have it all together, but I pray that God continues to teach me, change me, and mold me into what He wants me to be...just as He did with foster care. :) Thanks SO much for your love, support, and prayers...we would appreciate it during this process!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tori's 5th Birthday
We have moved back to Dothan, Alabama since Tori's birth and death, and a lot of new friends have come into our life over the past year and a half. I don't realize that a lot of them don't know Tori's story, so just last night, someone asked about her, and I caught myself thinking, "Oh, you didn't know?" I then get the blessed opportunity to share her life with them, what all her journey on this earth entailed, and most importantly, give God all the glory and praise for what He's done in my life, my marriage, and my family's life since and because of Victoria Leigh Wilhoit's life!
Josh and I were then talking last night, and I said there used to be a time where I couldn't hold or even look at babies. It was too painful. God has healed my heart of that, and gave me Scarlet Grace since. That in itself is a miracle from God. When you are a mother who just buried her child in a tiny, doll sized casket, you don't ever think at that moment that you will "bounce back" or be able to carry on with life as usual. But, I have. My life is actually far from "the usual" sometimes, it seems. My husband is working 40 hours a week, taking a full load of classes- 17 hours this semester, I homeschool our oldest daughter who is in 1st grade, we now have CO-OP classes on Tuesdays where I help with that, I have a 20 month old that I am raising- and about to enter the potty training stage with in a few, short months, am involved in our church, and the list of hats go on that we tend to wear from day to day, week to week! I am SO happy to be "back among the living," so to speak, and have normalcy in my life 5 years later, when I honestly didn't see how at that time! I try very hard not to take things for granted, for I know where I've been, and it could be a lot worse.
There was a time when I didn't know if my husband and I would make it another day. I can thankfully say by the grace of God we will celebrate our TENTH anniversary next year!!! We have talked some about a vow renewal ceremony, and I think that would be so special, mostly to give awesome praise to God for where He has brought us from and to! If you would have asked me 4.5 years ago after Tori died if I would have thought I would be homeschooling my daughter, have another daughter, and my husband in Bible College, looking towards music ministry and missions in the next 2.5 years, I would have laughed! :) That only makes me so excited to see what God has in store and how I pray that He could use us in the NEXT five years! It's NOTHING about us, but all about Him! He restored my marriage to an even better place than it was before. I can honestly say that I love and am closer to my husband more in the past 5 years than I have been the whole 13 years we've been together! And not just because of the many years that pass, and you get closer as time goes on...but all because of Tori's life!!!
It didn't pain me to share her life with my friend last night who didn't know her story. Josh and I agreed that it gives us such joy to be able to do so, for we never want her forgotten. Don't ever be afraid to ask something about her, for we are an open book, and it is actually very much healing for me to be able to discuss it all with someone. I may tear up, but it's ultimately tears of joy. Again, that is a GOD THING, not a Melissa thing. I wanted to shrivel up in a hole and die 4.5 years ago along with her. But by the grace of God, He sustained Josh and I long enough to get us to the healing point, and made beautiful things from it all.
I want to thank the many people that DID know Tori, and about her life, and what all she/we went through. You saw up close and personal her battle to overcome her prematurity, only to lose it in the end. You heard us talk about what a healthy baby she was at birth, just premature, and the hope we were given from nurses and doctors. You saw our hope squashed, as a team of doctors and nurses told us 6 months later that she was terminal at that point. You held our hands and hugged our necks as we cried. You held us up in prayer daily, as well as our sweet baby girl. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. Some people didn't know how to reach out, for it was not an easy situation I know, but to those who bit the bullet of uncomfortableness, thank you for being there. We were blessed with such a great support system at that time in our lives. We met many people through our hospital stay, and had visits from complete strangers. We have friendships that will last a lifetime because of our 6 months with sweet Tori. I am so incredibly blessed by all of that. God placed each of you in my life for a reason during that difficult season in my life, and I am forever grateful to Him for doing so.
At five years, I recall the day I gave birth to Tori, as I always do when my children have birthdays. I recall how sick I was, and how badly she needed to be delivered. I remember looking at her as they showed her to me, and hearing a little cry that sounded like a kitten crying. She was precious. Tiny, but perfect. Everything was formed just perfectly, just super tiny. She was 1 pound, 9 oz when she was born, and was almost 12 pounds when she died. While so little, Josh could put his wedding band on her arm as a bangle bracelet. :) We actually have molds of her hands and feet at a couple of months old...Josh has said several times if we have a fire, we must get the girls first, and then those molds out! They show all the details of her hands and toes, it's amazing. I am thankful for that reminder of how little she was, but how big God is! He formed her in my womb, He numbered her days, He knew she was fearfully & wonderfully made in His image, and I have SO much peace from all that He has shown me since her birth from His word!
I think at five years, what would she look like? What color would her hair be? What kind of things would she like...what would be her favorite food? What would be her favorite movie? What would be her favorite color? Would she be excited about starting Kindergarten next year? I know her and her sister would be close, Savannah loves Scarlet so much, and I know having a sister closer in age, too, would be wonderful for her! I think where would this birthday party be at? What would the theme be? Who would her friends be? These are all things that run through my mind as a mother to a little girl who should be here...who was NOT "handicapped" when born, just small...who is now praising her Heavenly Father and spending every moment in His presence.
How awesome that must be! That is where the really joyous part of this post comes in! What a reunion that will be! I fully believe I will know and recognize Tori in heaven. She won't be my daughter in heaven, but I will see her again. We will praise our Lord together forever. What else could I ask to do with my daughter on this earth that would top that one day?! It will be worth the wait! Do I wish she was here to celebrate with us today? Of course. A mother always longs for her child, whether you are seperated for a week or a lifetime. If you're not yet a mother, then you probably won't understand fully why these things are so sentimental to me. I haven't found a way to explain it yet, except that a mother's love will never end, no matter what...no matter the time, distance, or years spent apart.
I hope maybe one of my friends in Huntsville will find time today to run by Huntsville Memory Gardens, maybe leave her a flower, and send me a picture. Even though I know her soul is not there, that is where I was last with her, and it thrills my heart to see that spot every time. Again, something I can't fully explain, except that she was my baby, and that was where I laid her to "rest."
Thank you for reading this far if you did, and for honoring her life by doing so. It fills my heart with joy to remember her, share about her, and love her even still. My "bucket list" for things I want to do regarding Tori and her life on future birthdays:
1. Have a drawing/digital picture done of "what she would look like now." You know how the FBI can age missing kids to see what they would look like as they got older. I'd like to have a picture as often as possible to see what she would look like at each possible age. Just something special to me that I've thought about. :)
2. Have a porcelain baby doll made of Tori that could be a keepsake to treasure. I have checked, and it is several hundred dollars or more to have a doll artist make a porcelain doll from a picture of a baby, but I hope to have this done one day. I know the exact picture I want her to look like, for it is the image I have of her most often in my mind. It is amazing how much they can make one look like your picture. To have her to hold like that, may be strange to some, but would be so comforting to me. :)
3. Have another ceremony of some kind to honor her life, whether it be a birthday party or milestone related. We did this at one year, and had several friends and family come and support us in such a beautiful way. We also were able to collect many clothing items and books for babies in the NICU & children in the hospital. I would also like to do something like that again in the future as a need arises. Doing something good because of her life just thrills my heart.
These are just 3 things that I would like to see done to honor Tori's life sometime in my lifetime
. She was such a blessing from God, truly loved by so many, and I was honored to be her mother for such a short 6 months. Until we meet again, baby girl...
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Chick-Fil-A Conflict
What I am about to share with my friends, I want to say in LOVE...some of you will agree with the stance I am taking, in agreement with Chick-Fil-A, and some of you will strongly disagree because you have friends or family members who are homosexual. Well, I have a family member who is, too. But I can't compromise what God almighty declares marriage as because I have a loved one who feels otherwise.
Scripture clearly defines marriage being between a man and a woman (Gen. 1:27-28, 2:21-25; 1 Cor. 7:2; Heb. 13:4; etc.). Who are we to question Scripture? For the record, I DO NOT HATE homosexuals, for Christ tells us to LOVE others ("A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. 35 By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35). I do not love their SIN, though, and their rejection of Scripture and it being 100% infallible and God breathed.
I don't desire to argue about this with anyone, but to caution those who have walked a very gray line on this issue thus far, because one day, we will ALL stand before a Holy God, and we better be prepared for the answer we will give for the things we've said and stood for ("But I tell you that people will have to give account on the day of judgment for every idle word they have spoken." Matt. 12:36). Questioning Scripture and whether or not you agree with God on issues like this because of a friend, will NOT stand on that day, no matter whether you say you believe in God or not (21 “ Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. 22 Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many [a]miracles?’ 23 And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’ Matt. 7:21-23).
I also write this to encourage professing believers to STEP UP and be BOLD on issues like this. NOT looking for a FIGHT or to prove you're RIGHT, but to prove GOD is right, and stand by what His Word alone says. We are to be a LIGHT in a DARK world, and so being bold for Christ is what we are to do. For many years, I professed that I believed the Word of God to be true, but I didn't daily strive to obey it or walk in the ways that it instructs me to walk. I might as well have been questioning Scripture as a whole just like so many are when it comes to this issue of homosexuality. Yes, I said that. It's all or nothing, friends. You either believe it ALL, base EVERYTHING you say and do by what it says, let it TRANSFORM and CHANGE your LIFE, or you are questioning it.
I want to put this disclaimer out there as I have many times when discussing various things: I have NOT "spiritually arrived," but God HAS been doing a great work in my heart and life, showing me how disobedient I have been, making me truly shameful of the sin I so easily continued to do over and over without giving a second thought to how it displeases my Savior. This is NOT about religion, folks. I can't stand RELIGION. This is about accepting or rejecting the God of the Bible, and you do that by how you live your life. Lipservice is pointless. The finger is pointing at me, too. The Bible says our righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6), for none are righteous, no not one (Rom. 3:10). Because we are heirs of Christ, though, that is if you're a child of God (Rom. 8:17), we will stand before Him one day, pardoned and ready to receive the crown of righteousness of Christ (2 Tim. 4:8). I am SO thankful for the redemption He made possible for a wretched sinner like ME!!! I encourage you to know this same redemption before it's too late...that "one day" I was referring to above, could be any day now...
So I've tried my best to explain to non believers what Scripture says about marriage, and why I take the stance I do. I don't look down on anyone, but instead am burdened for your heart and soul. I care about you, and others who I read comments of on the CFA Appreciation Day site. It hurt me as I read people so easily and boldly declaring that there is no God, that the Bible is a book of fables, and that we as Christians are hate mongers.
To all that I say, one day they will see that God definitely IS real, but then it will be too late. Off subject, but as Josh and I watched a movie this past weekend, and we saw a city in ruins, chaos everywhere, and nothing working as it should, I leaned over and whispered to Josh, "can you imagine that's what it will be like after the Lord comes back?" If you think our society is bad off now, well, I hope you're not around to see it after the Lord has taken believers home.
I also say that it hurts me to see them say that the Bible is a book of fables and stories, not a guide we should be living our life by. They will see, too, that just as the Bible says "Every knee will bow and EVERY tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord (Rom. 14:11)," they WILL believe it then, and they WILL confess it to be true, but again, it will be too late.
Lastly, as I read people saying such awful things to and about Christians, I thought how awful on one hand that they think of us like that, but on the other hand, what a point they have. They accused us of being unloving, condemning, righteouss, pious, critical, and unpeaceful. Yes, all of things we do or have done to give not only Christians, but ultimately CHRIST, a BAD NAME. We have GOT to (myself included!) stop straddling the fence, being hateful to non believers & believers alike but instead LOVE them & lavish grace upon them, live like we are a NEW CREATION, and quit worrying about what other people are going to think if we take a stand for what's right.
I can guess that writing this is not going to make me many new friends, and that's okay. I want to boldly proclaim the truth, and most importantly, point others to Christ. Because I am a flawed human being, who has a sinful heart and must require the blood of Jesus to make me clean, I can only boast in Him, and not of me. Please take this in love, like I asked at the beginning, and yes, join me in supporting ChickFilA on August 1 and eat there to show your support for the public stance they took, but also reevaluate the life you've been living, the things you've been proclaiming, and see if they match up with what God's word says...if unsure, go to someone who can help you and point you to Him. I am here if needed :) Much love to you all! Have a good rest of the week!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Learning from Joseph
I recently started a historical reading plan on my Bible app and just finished up the book of Genesis this morning. I learned two big things from it today, that one, I had never thought of before, and the other is always a challenge I am still trying to do better at with Gods help.
The first that I had never thought of showed me a great example of God's faithfulness in Joseph's life. Most of you may know the story we learned as children, where Joseph was disliked by his brothers because they were jealous of their fathers love for him. They went so far to throw him in a pit, and then sold him into slavery, faking his death to their father. Seperated from his family for what he thought would be forever. He was a good servant, and wrongfully got put into prison. Let me pause in saying, don't you think a lot of us would have wondered if God had left us, and even given up on things after unfairly going through this much already? I don't know,i would hope I would remain faithful as Joseph did, but hopefully you see my point.
So instead of being angry with God, he served well in prison, and the Bible says that God provided for and lifted him up, and put him in control of many things for the warden. So even though he had been sold by his own brothers, became a slave, and now unfairly in prison, he remained faithful to God, and God to him. Then he was with pharoahs cupbearer in prison and interpreted his dream correctly for him. He asked the cupbearer to remember him when he got out of prison in three days and to talk to pharoah on his behalf. However, the cupbearer forgot and the next chapter starts by saying two YEARS went by before he interpreted pharoahs dream for him, and pharoah brought him out of prison and put him in charge of all his things. Not a couple of days, not two weeks, not a few months, but two years later...I dont know about you, but after all he had gone through at this point and then staying in prison two years longer after doing something good for someone, wouldn't you have had just about your fill by now?! It was st that moment when I read "two years" that God pointed out His faithfulness to me, and how He always comes through for "his children who are faithful and obedient to Him." It showed me what little faith I tend to have, and how I have gotten frustrated in times past when I am experiencing something "unfair" or going through something that I am wanting God to answer more quickly on. I think Joseph had it a lot rougher than I ever have, so why do I doubt God and His faithfulness?! Thankful His Word is a book of life and truth, and it reveals things like this to me.
The second thing I mentioned in the beginning that I have thought about from Joseph's situation, but don't always do this...but at the end of genesis how he was in charge of the food during the famine and he didn't have his brothers killed once he knew who they were and came to him for food. He didn't deny them food. He didn't have vengeance with them or repayfor all the terrible things they did to him. And they did a lot worse than ive ever had someone do to me. And yet ive had a difficult time forgiving and loving them anyway. Joseph got to see his father again, and at the end of genesis after his father died, his brothers were worried if Joseph would now repay them for all they did. He was in a high position and could have but the Bible says he showed kindness to them, and their children. What a portrait of God's faithfulness and the love and forgiveness we can give through Him, but otherwise not possible on our own.
Thanking the Lord for His word this morning, and that I have such great access to it, when people on foreign countries have never even seen a copy or heard it before. Some even risk their lives to own a copy of it. I believe we will be more accountable to God as people here in the US who have such great access to His word and the truth, and yet we don't take advantage of the power or study His word, compared to those who haven't had the opportunity to read and hear all we have.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A Snowy Saturday Morning
A tribute to my baby girl...March 8, 2008...one of the most significant dates that will forever be etched in my mind, with vivid details that I am sure I will relive many times when I think of this day. Much like you may remember where you were and what you were doing on 9/11, and how the rest of that day felt for you. When something tragic happens in our lives, and especially with a death of a child, you just don't forget all the many details more times than not. That is how it is for me on this day. I'd like to share with you her memory, our memory of her, on that day.
I didn't sleep well the night before, and to make a long story short, Tori had been transferred to a larger room where Josh and I could sleep, because the doctors felt she was terminal, and so we planned to stay with her every second until she passed away instead of going back to the Ronald McDonald house. We had hoped on having a few days with her before that time. We had called family and told them to come. They were on their way, and had planned to spend the weekend with her and us. No one made it their in time, though, before she passed away.
I woke up about 5am and went over to her bed, sat there with her, and she was on so much medication because she had gotten very sick, that she wasn't responding to us as much those last few days. I fully believe God woke me early and gave me this morning with her as her mother. As I sat there, she opened her eyes, BRIGHT. The nurse came in, and said I should get in the bed and lay with her while she was awake. I had done that before, but am so glad I did this last, final time. I laid there looking into her eyes, talking to her, rubbing her face & hand, and treasuring this moment. I've heard that before someone dies, often times while in the care of hospice, they will do this...become real alert and wake up, and then suddenly pass away not long after. I woke Josh to come look at her after awhile, and am so glad we had this final time with her. She then closed her eyes, and fell back into a deep sleep. What a precious time with her I will never, ever forget!!!
It was an hour or so later, that her heart rate begin to drop quickly. I panicked, and my heart raced, feeling like it was going to explode, while hers was quickly coming to a stop. The nurses and doctor came in, placed her in my arms, and I rocked her as she passed away. I saw her oxygen saturations and heart rate go to zero on the screen at 6:55 a.m. It all happened so fast. We held her, cried, rocked her, and cried some more. It was just Josh and I there in the early morning, and I look back now and think how fitting.
She had never been outside, except for a brief moment when being transferred from Huntsville to Nashville in an ambulance. So I wanted to go outside with her. It had began SNOWING pretty heavily that morning. I wrapped her up tight in a blanket and we went out on the roof exit with her, not far from her room. I stood there as the snowflakes fell down on my face, and just took it all in. It was very beautiful. I felt like these snowflakes were a little gift from God, a symbol that she was at peace now. I am so glad I had this special moment with her.
We bathed her, dressed her in her white dress that she was buried in, and took molds of her hands and feet, which we treasure so much. You can see the little wrinkles in her skin in the molds. You can see the details of her fingernails. Her little toes are just like if I were looking at them in person. We took LOTS of pictures, and I am so glad we did, because we have them to remember this day with. There is a group, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, that will come and take pictures of your baby and you and your family after they pass away. We didn't use them, but I had seen some of their pictures before, and we did some similar to that, like mine and Josh's wedding rings on her toes. I love that picture. After all of that, we said our goodbyes. Even though she was not alive, it was the hardest thing ever to hand over my baby girl for them to take her away, knowing that was the last time at the hospital with her.
We packed up her room that weekend; she had A LOT of blankets, clothes, hairbows, stuffed animals, cards, etc that she had acquired over almost 6 months. She was sick, but she wasn't a "vegetable." I think some people have thought that's what she was, but she was perfectly normal when she was born. When she cried, she sounded like a little cat. She was breathing on her own not long after she was born, at less than 2 pounds. Her lungs were good, although premature. She had NO brain bleeds when she was born, which is common for preemies that small. We had such hope in the beginning with this prognosis. I pumped breastmilk for 4 months, trying to get her tolerate it. We tried several different formulas, but she just never could tolerate the food. Her bowels never obstructed, which is also very common for preemies, but they were just so premature that they couldn't function like they were supposed to. The "artificial food" they had her on is not good for your liver for that long of a time. Her autopsy and several genetic tests revealed no abnormalities in that manner. It confirmed that she had been a healthy baby otherwise than her prematurity and the problems it led to. The cirroshis of her liver (because of the food) and infections were what caused her to deteriorate and pass away. I used to question WHY in this aspect, because I know SO many babies now after our journey in the NICU who were as small as she was, or smaller, and yet thrived and grew. "Why couldn't Tori have done that if she was otherwise healthy," was always my question. I will never understand the WHY, until I reach heaven that is. Until then, I will rest in the peace of knowing that my Redeemer lives, and because of that, I will see her again one day. He came and brought hope for the hopeless because of this, and we all can be thankful for that each day. I give Him all the glory for Tori's life, and what all He showed me during that time, and how He worked after her death as well. While it was the most painful thing I've endured, it was the most memorable thing I have ever experienced as well, and in a good way.
We have said how fitting Victoria was for her name, for we have true VICTORY in Christ. If not, we would have no hope after her death, and I don't know how people make it through something like this without Him. We went through a dark valley afterwards, but He stayed with us, restoring our hearts and lives to an even better state than they were before her life. I'd like to share some pictures of Tori, and what we've done on her "heaven anniversaries" until now. Today I will hold and kiss my two precious girls, remember Tori, and be thankful for what all He's given me in the 3 of them. I am one blessed momma!!!
A father's love...
A mother's love...
A sister's love... (melts my heart; she was only 2 and yet understood more than I thought she would and remembers all this to this day!!!)
Our last picture together as a family of these four...
This is a link to an online folder of some of Tori's pictures:
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10581568707.28854.504728707&type=3&l=bc28162476
We have since collected preemie clothes & blankets for the HH NICU in memory of Tori, all with a note sharing her story. We also had a "books for babies" drive and collected books for children in the hospital and got to deliver them personally and share a little about our baby girl with a note inside. We donated some of the books to Tori's pediatrician in Huntsville with a sticker inside in memory of Tori. So we have been able to give back and share the love of Christ through her life, all with the help of family & friends that knew her and were touched by her life while she was on earth!!! That is awesome!!!
Here are a few pictures of her grave in Huntsville. I used to sit on the bench pictured and stay for quite awhile. It's beautiful and so peaceful there!!!
We have since collected preemie clothes & blankets for the HH NICU in memory of Tori, all with a note sharing her story. We also had a "books for babies" drive and collected books for children in the hospital and got to deliver them personally and share a little about our baby girl with a note inside. We donated some of the books to Tori's pediatrician in Huntsville with a sticker inside in memory of Tori. So we have been able to give back and share the love of Christ through her life, all with the help of family & friends that knew her and were touched by her life while she was on earth!!! That is awesome!!!
Here are a few pictures of her grave in Huntsville. I used to sit on the bench pictured and stay for quite awhile. It's beautiful and so peaceful there!!!
(These were the dresses we wore to Tori's funeral just one year earlier!)
If you made it to the end, thank you for sharing in her life with me today!!! :)
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